I just dipped my Cheetos in some ranch, so I don't wanna hear any more bullshit from the rest of you on how I'm "not cosmopolitan."

My thighs may touch, but it’s only because—even after decades together—they’re still so deeply in love.

If I spent as much time addressing my priorities as I do reassessing them, I’d have that forearm-mounted laser cannon, already.

Remember when you used to think it was weird when older people clipped-out articles and mailed them to friends? That's Facebook now.

Sunday #Punday http://t.co/archzriPpt

I, for one, love those who #SQUIRT.

This is what being a #CatLover is all about. http://t.co/EQwueROxCK

If You Give a Mouse a Quickie #AdultChildrensBooks

This Simpsons throwaway runs through my mind at least once a week. It's such a perfectly stupid joke. http://t.co/r3vor4TKr5

At least the new season is only like a month from now. http://t.co/Ez1Q0ts0Nf

I cannot wait to get the grill out of mothballs and make us some juicy lucies soon. http://t.co/80948ZjFRf

Yep. #Monday, again. http://t.co/dWOhrD8vE0

Oh, so you Simply Can't Even today b/c of the time change? What happens when you fly 1 time zone over? Are you USELESS your entire vacation?

PROOF I'M A GOOD PERSON: The last item on my Amazon Wish List is “The Amazon Genie Shall Be Free.”

Gonna do some #gaming tonight. http://t.co/wynX59PM72

You actively look for red flags when you meet a person you’re interested in? THAT’S A RED FLAG.

Carrie is Famine. Samantha is Death. Miranda is War. Charlotte is Pestilence. #discuss

“Time to fight fire with fire.” --Worst Firefighter Ever

"Look, ..." -- Someone white on my Facebook feed about to say or defend something racist without realizing/acknowledging it.

RT @eethanvalee: Come through Old Capital Brew Works tonight for awesome drink specials, pub quiz and pop culture pub quiz with @andrewrjuh…