What We Can Learn About Consent from the Porn World

[Wilhelm]

 

It doesn't meant they hate you!

 

Making sure a woman isn’t scared to say no is easy if you allow her to feel like you’ll accept her decisions. You need to reassure her that you won’t be peeved if her needs or wants differ from yours. Make it clear that if she doesn’t want to have sex, you’re cool with that—and then actually be cool with that. “Just because someone doesn’t want to have sex with you, doesn’t mean that they aren’t interested in you,” Griffith said. “It doesn’t mean they hate you. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. It means that right then, they don’t want to have sex with you.”

Pay attention to physical signs and body language, too. “Important non-verbal cues include mouth involvement. If you kiss someone and if they aren’t kissing you back, if they are not actively engaged in your kiss, if they tense up and start to pull away, those should all be things to indicate, ‘Hey, let’s chill out, let’s take a minute and reassess.”

There’s a long history of violence against women from rejected men, so be aware that your partner may not be comfortable saying no outright. This is on you: If you are getting “I don’t knows” and “I’m not sures”, you need to make the decision to stop on your own. “I don’t know” does not equal yes. It means they do not know. Consent requires a yes, and “I don’t know” is not yes.

In that case, added Griffith, “I think it would be best to back off physically. Put some space between you and the person. Ask them if they are okay. Ask them how you could make them more comfortable and then express your desires or needs and how you can make them comfortable, too.”

 

Step 3. Don’t Try to Bargain

 

 

Your boner is yours and yours alone

 

Don’t use a bargaining chip like blue balls to attempt to sway someone to engage in physical intimacy with you. It’s lazy and corny! A great way to find physical relief after you agreeably and graciously accept a “no”is to jerk off when you part ways.

“Your boner is not my problem,” Griffith lamented. Sex should not something that is done to women, it should be something women actively participate in.

 

Step 4. Don’t Judge Someone Else’s Sexual Preferences

 

 

Don't be that guy!

 

Judgmental men make discussions around intimacy, and consent in particular, very difficult. “‘Stuck up bitch’. ‘All girls are prudes.’ ‘Girls that want to have sex are whores.’ ‘You can’t rape a whore.’ ‘Girls that don’t want to have sex are prudes,’” said Griffith. “It creates a weird binary where it’s hard to sort of toe this line and exist as a healthy sexual being and have these conversations up front.”

While it may feel harmless, don’t neg as a form of flirting. It creates a toxic space for communication, which is a surefire way to get unclear answers on wants, desires, and consent. As Griffith laid it out: “Consent is about logic. It’s being careful based on what’s going on around you. If you can’t be concerned about how someone feels, think about going to jail. If that’s what motivates you not rape, I don’t respect you, but I’ll take it.”