I'd like to think that if my dad were alive today he'd say "what the hell is a 'tweet' and why are you doing one for Father's Day?"

This is my design. http://t.co/PQdR2bnRz3 http://t.co/wUr9DlUQWb

The moment you realize you're dating a Sith Lord. http://t.co/lpEpGAne7x http://t.co/7SKTbAuZkt

Scientists say that to kill germs, sing happy birthday twice while washing your hands, guess those dummies don't know how fast I can sing.

"Justice is blind. Bats are blind, therefore justice is bats." - Bruce Wayne, discovering the transitive property.

Sometimes it's like these spammers aren't even trying anymore. http://t.co/n8ux3QIloM http://t.co/T5ocad3hDO

I've totally got a bubble butt if you count hemorrhoids.

I'm the Beyoncé of not knowing how to reference Beyoncé in my pop-culture metaphors.

RT @keithandthegirl: Check out this funny clip of a new Super Hang w/ @MyqKaplan & guests @MykaFox @MicahSherman @MikeBlejer @DannyHatch ht…

When I'm on the subway every package I see is suspicious. #manspreading

Patriot act data collection provisions lapsed, make all your craziest phone sex calls NOW, before they get renewed.

Do you think it's hard for the banks to stop themselves from just buying all the ads in the country?

Instructing my aunt in the ways of duckface. http://t.co/5V6mvqEyXa http://t.co/8IsfasS3sx

What's my secret to maintaining firm glutes? I start the day with 3 cousin squats. http://t.co/s06oTEd9YM http://t.co/RolupbXGdj

If it auto plays when I open Facebook on my phone then just what the hell does the red band on your trailer even mean?

Shaken not... Ah fuck it, it still drinks. http://t.co/ZQbJ3CR799 http://t.co/yOGCr02ymK

I could totally be a personality model if I just lost some hate.

Your disease is entirely in your head. Specifically it's a brain tumor.

DATING TIP FOR MEN WHO LIKE STRONG WOMEN: Ask her to take you to her Green Place. #FURIOSA

You guys like this article I wrote? http://t.co/qdBpMbcZzK

Dat Raiden swag doe. http://t.co/1Wwm8sVY5k http://t.co/eSpswpRLYu

TOP 6 LISTS that make you wish you were reading other lists right now: http://website.jiz

Call me crazy but I still believe that 9/11 was a conspiracy conceived of and executed by the 3oz and under bottle-making industry.

I never realized it till now, but Eminem is Rick's spirit animal. https://t.co/xIyPKRbbz2

Have a brief stopover in Dallas. The good news is I get to stay on the plane, so I'm prete… http://t.co/Po9jjaJyUi http://t.co/yPhajKmSNF